Tuesday, August 29, 2006

True MIL Confessions - Edition 5

1. Right after the birth of my first child, we wanted my MIL to see her new grandson before we moved across the country. We met in a (cheap, cruddy) motel halfway between her house and ours so that neither of us would have to drive more than 6 hours. I doubtfully let my in-laws take my less-than-a-month-old son overnight (they were in the room adjacent to ours) even though I felt it would be easier on me to be near him to breastfeed, etc. Not surprisingly, he screamed the entire night.

The next morning, tons of dirtied bottles littered their hotel room along with all of the infant outfits I had packed (apparently, he peed/pooped through ALL of them.) They joyfully took photos of them plus my husband, but not once asked me to be in a photograph. Instead, I was washing the bottles and clothes in the hotel room sink. (Yes, I had given my MIL the bottle brush, so she could have easily cleaned them as they were dirtied. Similarly, I had given them empty plastic bags into which they were supposed to put dirty clothes rather than just strewing them around the hotel room for me to gather up later.)

Years later when they offered to come to our house to “help” with my second child, I declined. Instead, I had them arrive several months later so I knew I would be physically recovered enough to clean in their wake.

2. My husband and I had a conference while my in-laws babysat our children in the same hotel. My MIL didn’t wash out their bottles or sippy cups. Instead, she left them to rot. Refrigerated items that we had sent along with my sons were spoiled. (They could have kept them cool using hotel ice, as we have done while traveling.) When I had showed her their belongings, I also showed her my sons’ brand-new toothbrushes and brand-new toothpaste. At the end of the visit, I was shocked to see that neither had been opened. This, after every morning she greeted them with, “Here’s breakfast!” while waving a chocolate chip cookie.

3. Your house is a filthy, nasty, mold-ridden pigsty. I will never forget the time I sent my son over to spend time with you when he was 3 months old. I sent him over in a white onesie. He came home in a grey and brown onesie. It was the same onesie.

I used to think you weren't personally dirty, that you just kept a dirty house. I was wrong. You are filthy. I can't stand the smell of my own children after they come home from a visit at your house.

I have one word for you: bleach. Or possibly: fire.

4. You know how you always say "love means never having to say you're sorry"? I think you may be confused because that phrase doesn't actually mean that you can justify not apologizing for being the insane, manipulative guilt-monger that you are.

I have a better slogan for you. Love means never passive-agressively demanding that we drive across the country to see you and threating to throw a big huffy hissy fit like a two year old if we don't. We have a baby for God-sakes! If you want to see us so damn bad get your happy ass in the car and drive the fuck over here. Too far away? Do you think it's faster when you throw a screaming child into the mix?

And while I'm at it...please stop giving me old stuff of yours that you don't want anymore for Christmas. Or at least have the decency to dry-clean it first.

5. You have no idea how much it hurts my feelings that you will take our oldest anytime, but you specifically say you don't want the little one. I will not let you do to my kids what you did to your own - the oldest on a pedastal while the younger one stayed in the shadows because she was difficult. She was a normal child. So is my youngest. Treat them the same or you will never get visits with either one. I'm THIS FUCKING CLOSE to telling you right off.

Friday, August 25, 2006

True MIL Confessions - Edition 4

1. When my BIL was getting married, my MIL insisted they have a wonderful rehearsal dinner, but gave them a strict budget. My BIL and SIL added some of their own funds in order to accommodate a decent event. That is fine. But what isn’t fine is that after the event, my MIL then refused to pay. Eventually, she ponied up a small portion of what was promised.

With that in mind, my fiancé and I planned a rehearsal event that wouldn’t depend on his parents’ money since we had to assume there would be none. They were hurt, but insisted that they contribute to a secondary reception on the east coast (we were married on the west) for our friends who were unable to travel to the primary event. They told us how much money they would give us. We provided the rest.

When we called them later to announce my pregnancy, they didn’t answer the phone, presumably because they thought we were calling to request money. It took quite awhile to reach my MIL. (We had to email her to give us a call, stating that it was important news. We weren’t going to reveal the pregnancy in an email!) She then explained they had to buy a new computer and a pedigreed dog, so didn’t yet have the money to give to our (long since occurred) reception. Eventually, yes, she paid. But that was only after we had taken on debt while awaiting their reimbursement.

2. My FIL’s birthday was mere days after I gave birth to my first child. I had a difficult delivery, my husband was flying across the country for a job interview, and I was in the midst of cleaning out my desk at work and giving my notice. We were both under a lot of stress. My MIL chastised us for forgetting his birthday. But she hadn’t acknowledged our birthdays the past year, nor did she acknowledge them the year after!

3. The first time I met my MIL, I automatically rose to help clear the table and wash the dishes. My husband joined me. “It’s okay honey,” she patted his back, “You go out with your father and enjoy yourself while she does the dishes.”

4. My MIL had my husband cosign a student loan since his parents’ credit wasn’t decent enough to do it on their own. Alas, my husband didn’t know not to cosign (he was just a teenager at the time!) She defaulted on the loan, didn’t tell anyone, and my husband had to put his school tuition on a (high interest, because his FICO was affected by his parents’ poor choices) credit card. Meanwhile, my MIL took a portion of my BIL’s after-school job, saying it was going towards his brother’s education. (Lies. But my BIL held a grudge towards my husband for awhile.) Apparently, my FIL doesn’t know about my MIL’s poor money management skills, and neither of them grasp that they ruined my husband’s credit. (My credit was nearly perfect.) Neither of them recognizes that had they not screwed his FICO, we could have been living in a better neighborhood and/or a nicer house. When they visited us shortly after the purchase of our first home, my FIL shook his head, saying he couldn’t believe how close together the houses were. (Yup, that is what happens when you can’t afford a house on a larger lot.) My MIL is irresponsible not only to herself, but to her husband, her children, and now her grandchildren! My children’s lives would be vastly different if we could afford to live in a better neighborhood.

I recognize that we must take responsibility for our own money management, but to set my husband off into the world with ruined credit because of her mistakes was wrong. It is frustrating to hear about her acquisitions of new cars, large screen TVs and the like. I wish she would acknowledge what she did and apologize to my husband! (And I hope that we won’t be held responsible for any of her debts!)

5. I went upstairs to use the sole bathroom in my MIL’s house. As I came downstairs again, I heard her murmur to my 18 month old son, “Your mother doesn’t love you anymore. I’ll be your new mommy now.”

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

True MIL Confessions - Edition 3

1. You are not always right, you do not know everything! I have just learned how to shut up and how not to disagree with you. How can you be so nice one minute and then the next time so rude? If you ever call my daughter a brat again, instead of ignoring you the rest of the day I WILL say something. Your 8 year old daughter acts worst than my 2 year old daughter!

2. Last summer hub and I went away for 4 days alone together. His mom was supposed to watch the kids, we paid her $500 (FIVE HUNDRED!!!!!!) to buy food and watch the kids. I called her house one night to talk to the kids (ages 15, 11, and 6) she tells me they are at my house. I call my house and there are my 3 kids, my niece (who my MIL is raising), my nieces 2 friends, 3 of my oldest sons friends and a bat in the house!!!!!! at 10 pm!!!!!

3. One day last spring hub and I had been working crazy hours. I had called her to see if she could get the kids some dinner and make sure they got homework done. I got home at 9:30, not only had the kids not eaten yet, and still had no homework done...she handed me some of her laundry and asked me "could i just throw it in my washer for her?" because her washer was broken. My house was open for her to get in on her own.

4. She has wrecked 3 of her cars in the past 5 years, recently I got a new vehicle and we kept my old one for the oldest to use. My MIL has just taken it over, she never asked or anything. As soon as it came back from the shop (it had needed some work) she started using it. One day she pulls in and says to me "This needs to go in the shop. Something is wrong with it" HELLO? Then take care of it you have been using it for 4 months!!!! When it was fixed she comes to me and says she needs a check to pay for the repairs !!!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH

5. On my hubs and my anniversary recently he had asked her to take our youngest 2 to get their football equipment, so we could have a nice dinner. She did and came in after and handed my hub a card, not an anniversary card to the 2 of us, a card to him, one of those long winded sappy cards that essentially said how special he was and that noone appreciated him like she did and he deserved so much more than what he had. yeah...she is wonderful.

Friday, August 18, 2006

True MIL Confessions - Edition 2

1. I secretly wished that I found out the gender of my baby due next year so I could tell you and piss you off.

2. "Double the common sense?" - Yeah, I'm pretty sure you don't have any at all.

3. I secretly want to start conversations with you that I know will really make you mad. Like "If we die, we're leaving our kids with my best friend."

4. I sometimes just want to go up to you say "I know everything you said about me." Because I do.

5. I think you are sort of a perfectionist control freak. You know your "suggestions" about anything from choosing a doctor to home decorating don't go over well with me, so you tell them to my husband. Don't think I don't know when he comes up with a great idea about how to reaarrange the furniture that it actually came from you.

I'm worried this is going to be fifty times worse when we have kids. It's not that you're not a nice person but you have got to chill out.

Monday, August 14, 2006

True MIL Confessions - Edition 1

1. You spent years trying to turn your boys into your own personal slaves/yes men/momma's boy zombies. You succeeded with one, but the other escaped. I have spent years helping him overcome the damage you inflicted (and continue to try to inflict). I may say some really mean things behind your back, but the things I say are SO VERY tame compared to what your SON says!

He will never forgive you! I will never forgive you! And you will NEVER be left alone with our children as long as I am alive!!!

You wonder why we only visit a couple times a year! What you don't realize is that if your wonderful, long-suffering husband dies before you, you will never see us again!

2. Stooooop sending us baby clothes. Your taste is terrible. I know you mean well, but I will no sooner parade my girl around in that Babies R Us discount rack crap than you would walk around in a leather bustier.

And the boxers you sent your son for Xmas? The XXXL ones that look like they were made for Jared before the Subway diet? Here’s a hint: Just because it’s in the dollar bin doesn’t always make it a good deal.

3. The thing that bugs me most about my MIL is that she's so unaccommodating. If she needed a favor from me, I would re-arrange my schedule, forgo errands, whatever... I would BE THERE for her. But when we need something, which is almost never, do you think she would alter her life even one tiny bit? Hell no. I thought grandmothers were supposed to be kindly and helpful. Not this one. I mean she IS helpful, but in ways that we don't need. Like she'll have a shitload of leftover food from a dinner party or she made something that didn't get eaten so she'll bring it over or ask us to come get it. Suffice it to say it's usually something none of us want and don't have room for but in her mind, this counts as some huge favor that she's done us even if we didn't ask for it. SO ANNOYING.

4. If you think that letting your husband drink gallons of wine and shots of vodka is fine, but beer is not, then you are really more stupid than I thought. And by the way, he slams beers in the garage. How you don't know is beyond me.

5. You complain that we never let you help in the kitchen during holidays. You are right, we don't. Want to know why? Because it's frustrating to explain to you 10 times that yes, we intend to make the recipe the way it's written and no, we don't think it would be better made your way. If we want to make creamed spinach, for example, IT WILL HAVE CREAM IN IT no matter how much you protest. There's a whole room full of people to consider, not just one.