True MIL Confessions - Edition 5

1. Right after the birth of my first child, we wanted my MIL to see her new grandson before we moved across the country. We met in a (cheap, cruddy) motel halfway between her house and ours so that neither of us would have to drive more than 6 hours. I doubtfully let my in-laws take my less-than-a-month-old son overnight (they were in the room adjacent to ours) even though I felt it would be easier on me to be near him to breastfeed, etc. Not surprisingly, he screamed the entire night.

The next morning, tons of dirtied bottles littered their hotel room along with all of the infant outfits I had packed (apparently, he peed/pooped through ALL of them.) They joyfully took photos of them plus my husband, but not once asked me to be in a photograph. Instead, I was washing the bottles and clothes in the hotel room sink. (Yes, I had given my MIL the bottle brush, so she could have easily cleaned them as they were dirtied. Similarly, I had given them empty plastic bags into which they were supposed to put dirty clothes rather than just strewing them around the hotel room for me to gather up later.)

Years later when they offered to come to our house to “help” with my second child, I declined. Instead, I had them arrive several months later so I knew I would be physically recovered enough to clean in their wake.

2. My husband and I had a conference while my in-laws babysat our children in the same hotel. My MIL didn’t wash out their bottles or sippy cups. Instead, she left them to rot. Refrigerated items that we had sent along with my sons were spoiled. (They could have kept them cool using hotel ice, as we have done while traveling.) When I had showed her their belongings, I also showed her my sons’ brand-new toothbrushes and brand-new toothpaste. At the end of the visit, I was shocked to see that neither had been opened. This, after every morning she greeted them with, “Here’s breakfast!” while waving a chocolate chip cookie.

3. Your house is a filthy, nasty, mold-ridden pigsty. I will never forget the time I sent my son over to spend time with you when he was 3 months old. I sent him over in a white onesie. He came home in a grey and brown onesie. It was the same onesie.

I used to think you weren't personally dirty, that you just kept a dirty house. I was wrong. You are filthy. I can't stand the smell of my own children after they come home from a visit at your house.

I have one word for you: bleach. Or possibly: fire.

4. You know how you always say "love means never having to say you're sorry"? I think you may be confused because that phrase doesn't actually mean that you can justify not apologizing for being the insane, manipulative guilt-monger that you are.

I have a better slogan for you. Love means never passive-agressively demanding that we drive across the country to see you and threating to throw a big huffy hissy fit like a two year old if we don't. We have a baby for God-sakes! If you want to see us so damn bad get your happy ass in the car and drive the fuck over here. Too far away? Do you think it's faster when you throw a screaming child into the mix?

And while I'm at it...please stop giving me old stuff of yours that you don't want anymore for Christmas. Or at least have the decency to dry-clean it first.

5. You have no idea how much it hurts my feelings that you will take our oldest anytime, but you specifically say you don't want the little one. I will not let you do to my kids what you did to your own - the oldest on a pedastal while the younger one stayed in the shadows because she was difficult. She was a normal child. So is my youngest. Treat them the same or you will never get visits with either one. I'm THIS FUCKING CLOSE to telling you right off.